Fictitious Monday IX

The Shape of You, The Shape of Me
by Tony


The fight was over, but the talking was still left. James was stretched out across the floor at the foot of the bed, his wife Wendy was on the bed sitting crossed legged. He stared straight up at the ceiling fan as Wendy spoke.
"I just can't live like this anymore. I can't take your anger," she said.
Across the hall, Billy cried in his crib. He didn’t want to sleep, or maybe he just didn’t want to be left alone. He'd stop crying for a while, and you would think he was asleep, then the crying would start again.
James said, "Just let me get him up. He's not going to take a nap."
"He has to learn to go to sleep on his own. He hasn’t been in there that long."
"Christ."
Wendy slid over, dangled her feet over the side of the bed so that the tip of her toes just pressed against the carpet.
She said, "Something has to change. I can't fight anymore. Not like this. Ever since the baby came, you've been so mean. This isn’t you."

Read the rest of this at my writing blog Read Me

Coworkers and other vermin

Merry Xmas and Happy New Year

I was off yesterday but am working tonight. I had great plans for some awesome posts, but I got distracted by FIFA Soccer 07 on my kid's Playstation 2. Instead of writing cool things, I used my time to make the entire Scottish Premier League my bitches. Celtic rules baby!

Sticky Situations

How do you handle a situation that grates on every last nerve you have? That was the story told by this post Who's Your Daddy? which I've reposted over at my writing blog. One reason for the repost is that, thanks to the Roundtable Carnival set up by Ribeye, I've noticed we have some new regulars here at Dine in or Take out. The Who's Your Daddy? post is one of my favorites... hope you enjoy it too!

Novel Excerpt

I've posted an excerpt from my done-with-second-draft-but-still-revising novel over at my writing blog. The novel is called Entropy.

I Forgot Businessmen

In my Accipe Hoc rating scale, I forgot those scions of the tipping family...businessmen (the traveling kind, not the locals). Or should I call them 15% tipping jerk offs who are high maintenance campers with condescension oozing from every word they utter?
Seriously, is there a class in business school called "Douche Bag Customer 101?" Like they are better than all us workers in the service industry because they spend their time away from their families figuring out how to screw over the world?

You know, 15% from normal people who treat you nice and are not expense accounting the meal is ok, but not from businessmen who run your ass off, treat you like you are the local Forrest Gump, never leave, and then can't possibly spend two or three dollars of their own money on the tip - they will however leave and spend $5 at Starbucks for a double-venti-frappe-douche-bag-mocha-shit thing.

Can you tell I had to wait on some businessmen last night?

Pretty Damn Cool

I just stumbled upon this site and really like it - it certainly lives up to its name.
Damn Interesting

Sorry

Sorry about the cursing and what not in the previous post. I thought it said "Maturity Level" not "Reading Level."

I Kick Ass Educationally Speaking

Ok, I fucking kick ass - look at this reader level rating. That's right, suck it bitches!

Round Table II

Gather round all ye knights and ladies for our second meeting of the Round Table Carnival. Manuel over at Well Done Fillet (pronounced fil-lay no matter what those UK people say) is this week's host. Check out the fun!

My Accipe Hoc Tip Rating Scale - Update 12/19

My personal list that rates how groups tip. The ratings are generalized, obviously individuals within the group vary greatly. So here it is…
editors note - I had planned on posting this today, but it dovetails perfectly with the Will Work for Tips article highlighted in the RoundTable Carnival.

My Accipe Hoc Tip Rating Scale
(accipe hoc means "take that" in Latin, and I only used Latin to sound ubersmart)
Rating scale:
1 to 10
1= I would rather be sodomized by my ex-prison roommate than wait on this table.
10= I will kill, maim, extort, and do anything else I have to do in order to get this table.

Teenagers
I don’t think anyone under 18 can be held accountable for their tipping. They may or may not have been taught how to tip. Most will not understand that tips are the primary way servers make money – any thought beyond sex well beyond their capabilities.

Rating: Get a pass on being rated

College Students
If you are in college and old enough to live on your own, you are old enough to tip right. If you don’t have the money to tip, don’t go out. And for those college kids who think it is ok to order pizza and water and camp out all night in my section then leave $2 on the bill of $20 – it’s not. Not only did you screw me by coming in, you screwed me by keeping the table when I could have gotten real customers in it. Seriously, it’s called take-out.

Very rarely do I get college kids who tip well, unless they are rich or are/have been servers. The most I ever expect is 15%

Rating: 5
Ok, not to be avoided, but not to be celebrated

Teachers
In general, teachers suck. They come in droves and want separate checks. They look at you like you are crazy if you try to get them to shut up and order. And, with apologies to the exceptions, they are shitty tippers. Innumerable times I have apologized for the way my fellow teachers treat my fellow servers. Not sure why this is, except for the fact that teachers tend to be the first generation of their family to go to college, so either they want to distance themselves from the "working class," think they are good tippers, or are just idiots. Although school administrators are not technically teachers, I am grouping them in here, and it's not a help. Principals and other administrators usually suck harder than teachers when it comes to tips. Again, don't know why.

Rating: 4
There only saving grace is that they are mostly nice enough, if cheap as hell.

Trashy peoples of all race, creed, color
Sometimes referred to as ghetto or white trash or redneck, for me, this category transcends race or ethnicity. I think of these people as those who have no respect for anyone, even themselves. These are people who use inappropriate language, who have no class, who think being rude is being assertive. We know these people, no matter what our job.

Rating: 2
There only saving grace is that they eventual leave.

Old People

In general, I dislike waiting on old people (65+), but especially so if they come in packs. The noise level of their conversations alone can be deafening. This group is a hard one to classify, but I'd have to say in general the amount of special attention required never equals the tip.

Rating: 6
A 6 because sometimes you get really cool old people, at least I do...to be honest, I love old people, especially deep fried.

Below 25 crowd

Perhaps the group with largest discrepancy. You can get awesome tips or crappy tips out of these guys. Most often, the tips decently. Not awesome. The exception being if it is a couple on a first date – then unless the guy is a total douche, the tip usually rocks since the guy is trying to show his financial chops (and it is probably sexist to talk about the "guy," but when it is a date, my experieince has been the guy pays if only to show off).

Rating: 4.5
I just wanted to use a decimal point.

The 25 to 45 Crowd
I think this group is probably the most consistent. If they don’t cross-reference into one of the other specific categories, you can usually see 18% or more.

Rating: 8

Families with little kids
Often the sharp object in a server’s eye, mostly because today’s parents seem more concerned with doing what they want rather than taking care of their kids. Some parents have kids out until nine o’clock at a restaurant and expect them to behave. Or allow the kids to stand on chairs, shout, run around, make a mess, all without caring about the effect it has on the rest of the patrons. I am dissing parents, and I have three kids – but I never allowed the bullshit so many parents seem to. When my kids were wee little things, my ex and I either didn’t go out, or we made a plan to deal with eventualities. We didn’t expect to allow our children to act like beasts.
Often families with little kids tip ok to good, but this does nothing to offset the high maintenance often involved with waiting on the table.

And by the way, as a parent, it pisses me off that I get a bad rap because of other parents being fucks. On a side not, go here for a great article on how to bring kids out to eat.

Rating 6
Not always worth the effort.

Businessmen
Actually, only the ones who are traveling, not the local ones. Or should I call them 15% tipping jerk offs who are high maintenance campers with condescension oozing from every word they utter?
Seriously, is there a class in business school called "Douche Bag Customer 101?" Like they are better than all us workers in the service industry because they spend their time away from their families figuring out how to screw over the world?

Rating 3.5
They tip about as well as college kids and think they own the world. And did I mention they are forever camping???

I'll add more as I get time...think of it as a "living post."


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Carnival!

Ribeye over at Raging Server is hosting the first blog carnival for restaurant oriented blogs. Sadly, it appears there will be no virtual funnel cakes or elephant ears. Bummer. Check it out!

Something New

Here's something new - worked last night, it snowed. We only got a couple inches of snow, but it was snowing the hardest during my shift. Hurray, I made $25 after tip out (and on nights like that the tip out drives me crazy, because we have to tip the bartender 10% of sales, not liquor sales only - so the fucker gives me two bottles of beer all night and still gets three bucks, almost as much as the two beers cost!).

At this rate I'll have to take
Dennis' advice and give my kids bags of snow for Christmas...

I Am Legend

Ok, I worked Saturday. Snowstorm. I worked Tuesday, less severe snowstorm. The weather gods are apparently mocking my attempt to have enough money to live and buy presents for the kiddies.

I had two tables last night; luckily one was an eight top. Unluckily, it was eight old ladies who do a girls night out thing. I was not psyched, since another server giggled in glee when she saw them come in and didn’t have to wait on them.

“They are a nightmare. Separate checks, no booze, and old-lady tips,” the bartender told me, dousing the little ember of enthusiasm I had left.


But I decided right then and there I was up to the challenge. As they arrived and shook off snow in front of the hostess station, I complimented them in their decision to not let the weather thwart their good time. I gallantly offered to hang up their coats (usually the job of the hostess). I did my best to charm their knickers off (metaphorically, of course – come on, there were people trying to eat).

My first break came when six out of the eight ordered alcohol. This was unexpected, and I realized this was my table to seize. To show my stuff. To rise into the rarified air of superserver.

The ordering went well. Even when the first lady ordered and then randomly five others simultaneously shouted they’d have the same, I remained calm and jokingly told them to hush up before I take their drinks away. I then smiled my rogue smile. They giggled like schoolgirls.

The food came. All of it was prepared as requested and went to the right people. Two of the ladies got refills on their old fashions. I was flirtatious and obsequious in just the right combination.

After the nightmare of check splitting (which we normally don’t do for six or more people, and which is especially hard to do on our pos POS system), I dropped the checks. I ran credit cards, made change. The ladies made their way back out into the snow.

The moment of truth; I was almost scared to look at the tips. I’ll cut to the chase, I averaged about 18%. WOW! In my imagination, the rest of the servers carried me off on their shoulders while other customers high-fived me. The reality was not quite as cool, but the sense of satisfaction certainly was.


[+/-] Read the rest of post

Knuckle Head Speaks

Over my last two shifts, I've had an pretty interesting run of saying stupid things. Not the customers saying stupid things, but me. Which is particularly disturbing for me, because you see, I was a latch-key kid who, due to the beauty of syndicated reruns, watched about two hours of M*A*S*H per day, so I've prided myself of having a Hawkeye Pierce like ability to wield the witty bon mot. When I make knuckle-head comments, well it's even more devastating than it might be for others.

Comment One:
I'm waiting on an eight top made up of a nice family - Parents, grandparents, teenage boy and girl. So the mom likes bantering with me. At dessert time, I tell them we are out of cheesecake, the teenage girl groans saying that is what she was wanting. I make an apology, joke a bit, the girl goes with chocolate cake, to which I reply,
"Oh, the chocolate cake is better anyway."
The girl says, "Whatever," in a joking way.
The mom says, "You must be off your game if can't fool a fourteen-year-old."
In my head I'm thinking they know I'm a Junior High teacher.
I say, "I spend my whole day trying to fool fourteen-year-old girls!"
Silence followed by nervous laughter.
I realize I never mentioned being a teacher, it was another table I had that conversation with.

Awkward!

Before they left, I worked into the conversation that I was a teacher. But still, I felt like an idiot.

Comment Two:
I was waiting on a nice couple at breakfast Saturday. While waiting for their food to come, I stopped to see if they wanted more coffee. They said they were good.
I said, "Don't want too much coffee huh? You'll get all jittery."
Well, once the food comes, I notice the gentleman's arms and head jerking all over as he eats. Clearly, he has Parkinson's or some similar illness.
As this dawned on me, it dawned on me too that I had inadvertently told someone with Parkinson's to watch out for the jitters. Nice.