California Dreamin'

A very cool dude I used to work with who now lives in California but is planning to move back to WI, sent me this missive...and after reading it, all I could think is why the hell would he move back here???
He writes...
So I've been keeping up with your blog lately, and had a table story to tell you about that I thought you, of all people, would appreciate. A 7 top of all gorgeous girls, come to find out they're celebrating one of the girls' 21st birthday. So naturally, since I was their bartender as well as their server, I proceeded to get them some free shots to get them nice and liquored up -- just to ensure that they (and I) enjoyed their time on the boat. A late in the evening discussion reveals to me that the birthday girl and one of her friends are getting breast implants the next morning, compliments of a birthday present from dad. After me telling them their breasts looked great just the way they were, they proceeded to show me the present, natural state, just so I was sure.
At the end of the night as I am dealing with their seven seperate credit cards, I notice one of the signed slips has a name and a phone number on it, with the words "The Birthday Girl" included. So I figure what the hell, and I decided to call her yesterday. Tonight my agenda consists of me going over to her house so I may tell her and her friend how much better they look now, as well as make sure they feel real to the touch. Tough job, but I figure someone has to properly inspect the doctor's work.


Certainly nice work if you can get it Explains those "boob inspector" tshirts you see every once in a while when the pan the crowd of a NASCAR event...

Lunch

With summer here, and me being a teacher and all, I'm able to work some day shifts and today, I worked 11-4:30. It was pretty slow, and I was the lone server after 1pm. I got sat a table at 1:30. Then nothing. Two o'clock - nothing. Three o'clock, more nothing. At four I am starting to pray. At that point, I just needed to make it another twenty minutes or so until the evening servers show. So of course at 4:10 I get a two top. I knew it would happen, but why? Why does it always happen? It ended up good though, they were a easy table and tipped well - definitely worth staying for. I left about 5:15.

On a separate note, I had photos taken by Sarah Gwidt Photography for use in publicity materials to go with my book (I'll be doing some signings and readings soon). It's the first time since forever that I've actually had real photos taken (I boycott the school photos because I like to be "not pictured" in the yearbook. Anyway, here's one pic of me, and you can see some more at the photographer's website.



Great job making my mug look good - thanks Sarah!

More on Eating Out

Please don’t ignore the server. I am astounded at the number of times I have personally had this happen to me. Here’s the scenario from a recent occurrence:
A four top shows up, I seat them, take drink orders, the usual blah blah blah. I return a bit later to see if they’ve decided. One woman and man who are talking do not pause even to acknowledge I am there much less actually answer me. The woman sitting closest to me rolls her eyes towards me and the towards the chatter-boxes and says, “I guess they need more time.” After a time I return and take all their orders (but not without the help of the woman who has become my new best friend by telling the two who will not shut up to pause and order), but the ignoring the server crap continues throughout the meal. Which is fine by except when I ask about refills, the two normal people ask for one, the two who have apparently not talked to humans in days ignore me, that is until a few moments later when the chatty woman raises her hand to get my attention and asks for a refill in a rather snotty tone, obviously implying I haven’t given them enough attention.

Now I know people can have extremely important things to converse about. But here’s the thing, to ignore anyone is totally rude, to ignore your server just about guarantees miscommunication, hence a bad experience. My God, if you can’t take two seconds to order, you seriously should not be eating in a restaurant.

We love Tony, can we sit at one of his tables?

This was the question posed the other night to the hostess. I was happy to asked for, and even though the couple was known to be campers, we weren't packed and it was terribly close to closing, and the tip pretty good, so it seemed like a good thing. This was at 8:15 or so, and the kitchen was open until 9. I'll cut to the chase - I almost fucking killed this couple. By 9, when they were just, JUST, halfway through with their entrees, I was getting a little worried. The kitchen had gottend the entrees out by 8:30, and that sat there. A nibble or two here and there, and they finally finished eating entrees at around 9:40 (it must have been ice-cold by then. Then dessert. I talked them out of stuff that had to be cooked and talked them into creme brulee and cheese cake. After 15 minutes of the cheese cake sitting there, the dde still hadn't taken a bite. In my mind, I walked up to the table, yanked the guys head back by the hair, and started shoving cheese cake into his face while screaming, "Eat it bitch, fucking eat it." By 9:45 they are literally the only peopled in the place, and we've turned it over for breakfast tomorrow. They finish at something like 10:00, and even though they are still drinking coffee, I drop the check, run their credit card. By 10:15 only us two servers are there, along with the dishwasher and the bar tender/front of the house manager. They haven't budged. I go up and ask if they are set with the check and take it from them, give them some more "have a good night" and walk away. The don't budge. He finishes his coffee and he I go to get the cup and subtley hint they should go. They start talking about how great the place is and how the last time they came they had mixed up our closing time and felt bad that they held up people from leaving. I wanted to say, are you fucking retarded or fucking with me. Anyway, I did my paperwork. They sat. The manager told me and the other server to go, said he would bus the table if they ever left. I thanked him profously and got the hell out.

The next morning, the bartender told me it was 10:45 before they left.

How to Eat Out

(ed. note: I giggle thinking of the search engine hits the title will generate)


Before I was a server, I had no idea how amazingly annoying seemingly innocent transgressions by a customer could be. Looking back, I cringe at some of my pre-serving memories. Some of the issues are slight - more of an issue of convenience for the server, but some of the issues are important -- issues that make it hard for servers not to go on three-state killing sprees fortnightly.

We’ll start with one that falls under the convenience label:
When paying with a credit card, if at all possible, leave a cash tip. This one I had no idea about during my pre-server days. It’s kind of common sense, off the books income and all that, but it often doesn’t occur to people who aren’t in the biz. It never occurred to me. The cash tip is not only an IRS issue, but it’s also a way for servers to get revenge on bastard bussers who spend their time trying to score free food and drugs and not clearing your tables, or fuck-wad bartenders who think because they moved out of the way so you could get a bottle of wine for your table that they are somehow entitled to 10% of the tip. After all, they did have to move so you could get the wine (Note to bartenders who read this, I am not talking about you!). At many places, servers have to tip out bussers, bartenders, etc., so are required to give a percentage of their tips; cash makes it easier to hold back on lazy shits who know they get tipped out by the servers whether or not they actually deserve it. Personally, I never try to screw over the bussers etc., who work hard, in fact, I over tip the good ones so they like me and bus my tables/make my drinks as soon as they can. But it chaps my ass to pay slackers for drooling on their shirts all night.

So, to recap, cash tip if possible. If not, no biggie, no one will be mad.

Unless you tip shitty anyway.

We’ll have more tips and tricks as the days go by…stay tuned.

Economy doesn't cause drinking decline???

This just in from the "No shit" department...
"Declining Economy Has Little Impact on Consumers' Alcoholic Beverage Purchases in Stores."
Also in the news...
No brain required to be elected President.
Old people found to be bad tippers.
Restaurant kitchen staffs often stoned out of their frickin' gourds.
Men oblivious to "get the hell away from me" vibes coming from hot women.
All lesbians not hot, especially those in jail.
Declining economy has no impact on Internet porn.

And this item, which should take no reasonable person by surprise:

The greater the airtime devoted to country music, the greater the white suicide rate.

Actually, it's chicken...

Hows this for a dish description "The filling was prepared by soaking cardboard in water and caustic soda to make it look like pork and then adding pork flavor and fat."
Pork flavored cardboard! I'd kill for that - most of the lame Asian restaurants around me serve cardboard flavored pork instead.